TTTAMT: Communication Breakdown!
Between helicopter parenting, emoticons and the iPhone, we have ceased to live, and, subsequently, ceased to communicate, like normal people. This has affected my everyday life in an array of adverse ways. Below are three of them.
1. When inspiration for writing something really important and time-sensitive (a past-due report, MY DREADED LAW SCHOOL ESSAYS) seems to come at the worst possible time, like, when access to a computer is impossible. I always seem to come up with the best nuggets of verbeage just as I’m applying an extra rich coat of deep conditioning hair goop and need at least 15 minutes to go from shower to computer (sidenote, the best mask I’ve ever used is Moroccan Oil’s pot of glory…I have yet to drink the Kerastase kool-aid so I can’t attest to how the two compare, but anything made by Moroccan Oil is pure crack-pour-les-cheveux, and I highly recommend it). Or I get a brilliant idea while on the phone with a client, or out running, or just doing random shit with no piece of technology other than my phone, on which, to this day, I STILL cannot type faster than 3wpm. I’ve thought of just getting a recording app, but I’d sound like a complete psychopath walking around recording shit about my thoughts on post-communist Russia or some sort of legalese mumbo-jumbo. Fuckkk! Worst part is, I can’t break out a notepad like I used to because as my typing as gotten faster and faster, my hand-writing has gotten slower and slower! Note-taking in class notwithstanding, I’ve grown so dependent on typing stuff out as opposed to jotting stuff down that I literally NEED a computer to get my thoughts out. Oh…the shame. Murphy’s Law, duly noted.
2. When people call, or worse, TEXT!!!!!, at the worst possible time. Oh, you’re out walking your dog and need both hands? GREAT! LET’S HAVE A 20 MINUTE CONVO ABOUT USELESS BULLSHIT! Just got in to the office and need to settle in to your work day? How about I steamroll you into the corner as I bombard you with questions and requests for favors when you don’t have adequate time or opportunity to say no! New SVU episode just started? Perfect time to go over a document I need you to review for me real quick! Oh, I’m bored at work and need to keep texting you whiny ramblings about how I’m bored at work even though you’re also at work, not even remotely close to bored, and, actually, on one hell of a deadline, thereby making my inane quandaries about what I should order for lunch top your STFU list? Well geez, don’t cop an attitude with me, sorry you’re TOO BUSY to respond to my texts! Why do your texts sound so DISINTERESTED!?!?? ARE YOU OKAY?!?!?!?!? ARE YOU TOO GOOD FOR TEXTING ME DURING WORK!?!??!!?
I know that there’s a simple solution to these woes,
and it involves multiple uses of the Sarcastic Willy Wonka meme and it’s called not picking up the fucking phone. But alas, I can’t not pick up my phone because what if I miss out on some ultra-time-sensitive piece of non-essential information!?!?! Gotta be in the know! Gotta be wired! Gotta be with it! Gotta check my phone eleven fucking times before the appetizer course arrives because OMG what if someone retweets my observation about how they changed the font of the menu at the ethnic niche joint where I just ousted the current douchebag mayor for the most check-ins on FourStalkMeSquare!!!!!!! Awful. What the fuck have we become? So…yeah. I’m amending my 2013 resolutions to include “step away from the phone.” Pronto.
3. When the iPhone weather app lies. I take great care to wear weather-appropriate footwear, thereby severely limiting the exposure of my glorious collection of suede loafers to the hazardous elements of the winter terrain. Thus, if it’s remotely wet out, the suede stays home. Imagine my inner rage when I check the forecast, confirm that it won’t rain, and then end up soaking my precious blue suede shoes when a torrential downpour descends on my commute. Total FML. In the summer I’m so OCD about this shit that I just walk everywhere in flip-flops and lug my giant supertote everywhere I go with a pair of my “actual” shoes” in tow, changing into them when it’s safe. The winter, however, is a different story because carrying an extra pair of BOOTS in my bag just seems ridiculous. Maybe I should just give up on suede and nappa leather. Just kidding. I would never do that. Maybe I should not rely on the weather app, or try to deeply ponder the alternate meanings when it says “mostly cloudy” or “slight chance of flurries.” Also, while we’re on the subject of apps, why the F won’t my stupid iPhone let me delete its shitty and inherently inaccurate “weather” app that only allows me to view the purported weather report in Cupertino, CA?
Now that I recall, communication was a hell of a lot easier back when I had my BlackBerry. When in doubt, blame the iPhone! Is there an app for that?